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The Fiver’s entire modus operandi is to shamelessly eke out a living off the back of football, so it’s slightly troublesome that the football – the Premier League football – is back yet we aren’t actually ready for the football at all. The transfer window has only just shut and, even if the José Mourinho glowering window definitely hasn’t, virtually all we’ve got left is to see how everyone does in the actual games.

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